Chapter 7: Dan of Green Gables heads back to Oztraya

Dear Mom(s), It is with heavy heart I write this epistal. I did my best to be the girl you wanted but she were too hard an act to follow. She was smarter, funnier, and more girly than I could ever be. More Anne than Dan could ever be. More Green. More Gabley. I'm sorry Mom, I know you took me in like I was your own and that I let you down by cussing about that Anne. But now, having had the time of my life on Prince Edward's Island, it is finally time for Dan to head on home. To Charlotte Bay, not Charlottetown. But Mom(s) you did me proud, made this poor little orphan boy from Oztraya feel like he belonged here, gave him copious lobster suppers, showed him how to braid his hair, slipped him the odd (Virgin) Caesar and introduced to him to the Nibbler, Segway, Tweet and the Silver Fox, not to mention all dem nice neighbours who came to the River Delta to meet. What can I say, Mom(s) but I will be back. Cleverer, more growed up and maybe just a bit more Gabley next time. Maybe for a BIG adversary next year, ya never know. Until then may your Cows keep mooing ice-cream, your traps be full of crosstations and little Anne Shirley (with the fierce temper) come home to you soon. Yours frightfully, Dan of Green Gables.

Chapter 6: Dan meets the neighbours and has a little crisis

There comes a time in every little Oztrayan orphan's life when they have to face facts and for Dan of Green Gables it has come all too soon on Prince Edward's island. What if my two Moms didn't really want me? What if PIE wasn't my real home? What if my being a boy was a problem and they might want to send me back to Oztraya? I was strolling around Charlottetown the other day when I happened across this place:

. Then a few paces down the Queen's street there was another place named "Anne of Green Gables chocolates". I suddenly come over all queasy and had to come back and go to bed. I covered my head with my doona and slipped my braids over my eyes and cried and cried and cried. What did Mom say when I arrived way back when? She said she was expecting a girl named Anne. What had they renamed my house in Cavendish? "Anne of Green Gables house". My heart sank. Maybe an orphan boy wasn't wanted after all and all them lovely PIE people were just being kind in welcoming Dan to the island. I was sad, I don't mind telling ya. I'd come a long way from Oztraya, got lost in London, England and a place called Niceland, which was very cold and had bubbling earth, and I'd left behind Martha and Tiggy and Maggie Alice and all the folk back home to make the journey here. Maybe I was just a silly deluded little boy who was just dreaming himself up a home. Maybe it was Anne that they wanted, not Dan. I cried, I snivelled a bit and ate some bluebeery muffin under the covers. I rehearsed what I'd say to Mom: "I know I done wrong and I ain't Anne, whoever she is, but I love it here on PIE and I've made great new pals in The Nibbler, Tweet, Segway and the Silver Fox and I want to stay." When I got out of bed the next day I found that Isabel and Tasha, my new Moms in case you ain't been keeping up, had invited all the neighbours to a big party at a place called The Delta, which is like a big wide river mouth only with rooms and nice views over the harbour. They came from far away over the hills, must have trekked through fields and fields of potatoes to get here, some might have even come by boat. One lovely lady even said she came from a place called Bresil, which I never heard of but where they have the best parties and play football like gods. And guess what? I even met some folk who looked mighty familiar, there was the Backpacker, the Lothario, the Clever Businessman and his wife the Amazonian, and two lovely ladies named Pip and Donna who looked just like my benefactors from OZ, that had clubbed together to send me to PIE. I started feeling better and decided it was high time for a change of hair colour so that night under cover of dark I got to work. Out went the orange and on came a sort of pepper and salt colour. There was going to be a new Dan to show to the world. The next morning I woke up and wasn't so sure and when Mom saw me she freaked.

"Oh Dan, we love ya and we want you to stay", she said, "but when are you going to stop this nonsense?" "Anne is Anne and she is the real heroine of Prince Edward Island and she was created by one of Canada's favourite authors, JM Montgomery and it's PEI not PIE as you keep calling it and finally you misused the word contentious to describe The Nibbler, what you meant was conscientious." I slunk under the covers. What had I done? Apparently a lot of our neighbours, particularly those from Japan, were not amused. They wanted answers and they wanted them quick. What was I doing here and how dare I pretend to be even in the same league as their beloved Anne of Green Gables, who apparently had a fierce temper? I had to think fast and come up with some answers if they weren't going to throw me off the island.

Chapter 5: Dan tries to feed the giants, is fed a giant supper and makes his fortune at the Charlottetown races

New Glasgow lobster supper My, oh my, oh my. I never did think. Ever. That meeting my new Moms would lead this little old Oztrayan orphan boy on such adventures on the island the locals call PIE, I guess because it is jast as tasty, crumbly and full of goodness as one of grandma's bluebeery pies. I hardly have words to describe the journey my belly has been on, let alone my newly braided pigtails. On the day before the day before today, Mom took Dan of Green Gables (that's me stupid) and my new pals Tweet, the Nibbler, Segway from Beavaria and the Silver Fox to feed the GIANTS outa place called Tignish, way out west. Skippered by Kenny Macmunshine, who is kinda like the opposite of the stickman that we met yesterday in that he loves nothing more than to do whatever you ask him to, it was like a ride on a huge, watery rollercoaster. Cap'n Mcmunshine called it "sloppy", like Mom sometimes calls me when I leaves my smalls and socks on the bedroom floor. Poor Nibbler spent a lot of time looking over the side for dem giants but still, being the Nibbler and especially contentious, never stopped writing in her little book. Cap'n Mcmunshine said she was "one tough lady" when we finally stopped being tossed about on five foot waves. Tweet was happy as a sweet in a candy store and that Silver Fox, well he was like a magnet to mackerel with his fishing rod. Couldn't miss. Never saw any giants but there was amazing sights all around - seals popping up all round us and gannet birds divebombing the sea like demented arrows shot from the sky. Then dog gorn if a Minke whale didn't happen by - truly a beautiful sight that made Dan of Green Gables's heart flutter. Back on dry land Mom was waiting for us, super anxious like Moms get, God bless her, and ready to feed us with riches from the ocean surrounding the blessed isle of PIE. Well, we had an appointment with my old home over in Cavendish but because the Beavarian and the Silver Fox just love their churches - the whiter the better - and their cliffs as red as possible and with sun hitting them at just the right angle, we made real slow progress, stopping here and stopping there. When we finally made to it my old home, guess what? They'd changed its name and everything. There was a big plaque saying "Anne of Green Gables House" outside and this time - you may recall they wouldn't let Dan into his own house the first time - it wasn't even open. Now, if it were my home, which it is rightfully, it would never be closed, I can tell you. You'd always be invited, for a tea, a cawfee or a tincture. I just don't know who this Anne thinks she is? Mom suggested I stage a one-boy protest there and then, to reclaim what is rightfully mine, but I'm not that kind of boy. That night we went to a place called New Glasgow which is different from the old one cos you can understand what people say there. We stopped at a kind of eating palace where you could eat as much lobster as your heart desired along with chowder, mussels and blueberry pie. It was soo nice, the most perfect lobster supper this little old orphan Oztrayan boy ever did taste. Then, on the day before today, the Nibbler and me met another lovely lady named Ruth and she took us cycling on the Confederate Trail. This goes right across this island from one end to the other. Now, I was pretty much born with wheels for legs and spokes for bones, and so I've seldom been so happy as I was pedalling along the trail. Especially in the sunshine beside the Hillsborough river between Morrell and St Peters, although I was a bit disappointed at the end as I was expecting to see the new Pope.

The Nibbler and Ruth on the Confederate Trail I was hoping to tell him my new joke that I learnt from the Beavarian which goes like this: Question: "Are you Dan of Green Gables?" Answer: "Do bears poop in the woods, is the Pope an Argentinian?" Reckon that's pretty funny. Now, listen up, you know that gambling is wrong don't ya? Yeah, me too. But it's mighty fun too and last night the crazy gang got to go to the harness racing in Charlottetown, which I think I mentioned is like where I come from Charlotte Bay in Oztraya, only with town at the end of it instead of Bay. We had a ball, Dan even got to go in the starter's machine - an amazing contraption which the horses pressed up against and which got driven by a fella looking backwards. I damn near fainted with excitement, never been so close to the action as that. Plus we met trainer Danny Macdonald and his pacer Rumba Boogie, which like me had a braid!! Poor Rumba, he didn't do too good, although he finished a creditable seventh (out of eight) in Race 3.

But then something took hold of young Dan, call it fate, call it the luck of the Irish, but Dan started picking winners. Race 4 came and Dan won, then again in Race 5, then Race 6 and so on until he was invited with his pals up into the box where the man with a high-pitched voice called the races. It was like a dream as my horse led from pillar to post and the caller screamed "Summerville Deb goes all the way". Dan of Green Gables went home a happy, happy boy.

Chapter 4: Dan makes untold discoveries on PIE

Dan of Green Gables and some new pals. Why, I do declare that I am the luckiest little Oztrayan orphan boy that ever did exist. The day before the day before today, Tasha, who you will recall is one of my two new Moms, showed me how to put my hair in braids and introduced me to some new pals. There was Tweet, who likes to hula; The Nibbler, who likes an extra hour to finish her food; Segway who says he is a Beavarian from Munich and the Silver Fox, who just loves churches and taking pictures of other foxes. Then Mom loaded us up into a magic machine that sped around PIE even faster than I can cycle. We went here, we went there, there wasn't a stone we didn't upturn on my new island home. First morning, we met Allister and his oysters at Raspberry Point. He was mighty nice, wore plastic dungrees up to his chin and jumped in the lake occasionally to show us his friends. They're pretty dumb if ya ask me, don't say a lot.

But if you eat them a lot then you have to get married and have kids. Then in the afternoon, Mom took us to see Dick and Andrew and their magnificent flying machine, made in 1866, they said. It looked just like a big bird but you could climb inside and then Andrew tickled it a bit and it gave a big roar and started to rattle along and off into the air. Mom gave out a little shriek and I don't mind telling ya I made an indisgression but soon we were above PIE and you could see all the fields and cows and hay bales and little towns and lighthouses in miniature. It was sooo pretty and we could see everybody going about their business and about 50 seals too. We even flew over the Confederate Bridge, which links the island with a place they call "away". I scarce know how to tell ya this but this little orphan even got a chance to drive the machine - Mom letting out another woop as I harmlessly skimmed the tree tops. Later at the second biggest smoke on the island, Summerside, we met the stickman, whose whole intent is to show you what not to do in life and got on another amazing machine which skoots along the boardwalks like you're walking on air. It's called a Segway and we named the Beavarian after it as he liked it so much, even though he did want to keep touching wheels, which the stickman knows is just plain wrong. By now the sun was out and the island was basking in it like a donut coated in maple syrup - it was the most beautiful sight I think I ever did see, especially when we got to a place called Victoria by the Sea, where the cloud was squirted against the sky like whipped cream and it was all reflected in the harbour like the water was a mirror or such like. Oh what a day for me and my pals, I don't mind telling ya I was plain exhausted by the end and went to bed and slept and slept and slept.

Chapter 3: wherein orphan Dan visits the big city and meets the Queen of Fries

So today I met the Queen of Fries. She wernt really my idea of a Queen exactly but she was mighty nice. Lives in a sort of wooden shack down by the wharf in the BIG smoke, Charlottetown, which like I told ya is kind of like Charlotte Bay, Oztraya where I come from only much bigger and with the word Town at the end and not Bay. Apparently some king named it after his wife which is kind of confusing because if his wife is the Queen of Fries then it should in all rights be named after her. Guess "Queenoffriestown" don't sound too good. But if ever a lady deserved a town named after her, then I reckon it's that Queen of Fries. She is sooo friendly, she gives everybody a free hug and has a big sign out the front of her house saying "life is delicious", which I reckon is a lovely sentiment.

She charges for her fries - which she says "are made with love" - but then I guess even a queen's gotta live. Dan of Green Gables had chilli fries and fish in case you're wondering, a combo which she says ain't never been requested before. And you know what? Like life (on PIE) it was simply delicious. You know what else? I had something called jellyauto for dessert, something I ain't never seen in Oztraya. It came from a place with cows plastered all over it, can't remember what it was called. I had a flavour called "Wowie Cowie" and there's no denying it was the greatest taste sensation this poor little orphan boy has had since I last chewed on a raw witchetty grub back home. Oh I do think I am somewhat in heaven here on Prince Edward's island, the sun is shining, they sell lobster flavoured chips and my new parents Isabel and Tasha are just the kindliest a boy could hope for. They've even introduced me to some new friends but I ain't got time to tell ya about them right now.

Chapter 2: A visit to Green Gables and settling in on the farm

On, on and on we journeyed, me chattering all the way. I thought we may never get there but finally we entered the mysterious Haunted wood and emerged at Green Gables.

I was on my own now, twisting my pig tails into a tight knot as I crossed the threshold. "Who are you?" asked a stern person standing inside. "I'm Dan," I stuttered, "of Green Gables." "Ha, Ha and I'm Sydney Poitier," she replied. I nodded sagely but didn't have a clue what she was talking about. "Six degrees of separation you know, oh never mind, so what can I do for you, Dan of Green Gables?" "I do believe that this is my home," I stuttered. "Why of course it is. Unfortunately, it is also a National Historic site and you'll have to go to the front office and pay to come in like everybody else." This was not a good start to my adventure. If I couldn't stay at Green Gables where would I lay my poor, orphaned head? Just then a bicycle magically appeared. It came from the excellent McQueens bike hire in a place called Charlottetown, which sounds suspiciously like Charlotte Bay, Oztraya, where I come from. I got on the bike and rode, with my pig tails flapping like party streamers in the blustery gale and threatening to throttle me. I rode so hard it brought tears to my eyes, out of Cavendish past North Rustico, past South Rustico, flying past inlets and lakes and hay bales and horses, past cottages just as quaint as Green Gables and rode on through the misspelt Cymbria. Finally, for the first time in a life of travelling but never arriving, I had er, arrived. At Shaws Hotel, behind Brackley Beach, just the prettiest and most historic family-run property in the entirety of Canada. And guess what? They were expecting me. "Come right this way, Dan of Green Gables," said the kindly lady behind the desk, "we have you in Cottage one and we are so pleased to have you here." As we approached MY cottage, I could scarce believe my eyes. It was wooden, it was cute and it had a washing line for hanging my smalls on. Inside, another kindly lady had set a roaring log fire for my arrival. I sank down beside it, feeling more at home than even that time at Legoland. Thank you PIE, thank you Isabel and Tasha, my foster parents. Thank you the venerable Shaws, which they do say is the oldest continually running hotel in Canada, I shall try hard to be a good boy.

Chapter one, an orphan arrives

Why, I do think they were expecting a girl, one with superior drinking skills and a certain je ne sais pas quoi but what they got is little old me, orphan Dan from tiny Charlotte Bay, Oztraya. I think they had rarely seen my like on Prince Edward Island or PIE as they call it locally. Rough of hair and sweet of tooth, I'd brought with me a sack of stinky laundry big enough to sink the Titanic and a stack of preconceptions under which any destination would surely groan. On Prince Edward Island, the sun would shine constantly on fields of wheat running down to a luminescent Gulf of St Lawrence. Apple trees would blossom overhead like a coastal mist. There would be apple pei, pancakes and maple slurp and cawfy at every turn. At the airport the lovely Tasha from PIE tourism questioned authorities: "A boy?". "It's a girl named Anne I've come for," she insisted, "she's finally coming home." I looked as downcast as I could manage, given that I had arrived at one of the most beautiful islands in the world. "Please, miss, I'll be good," I promised, "there won't be any of that galavanting, I'll work hard, eat endless lobster suppers and tell the world about Prince Edward and his island." Tasha's face eventually broke into a grin. "Ok, you can stay," she announced, "but only for the next ten days and only if you wear these orange pig tails ALL the time." How could I not agree and to tell the truth I rather liked the hair extensions. So began the short adventures of Dan of Green Gables on PIE.